The Utterly Ridiculous Monty Python Registration
by sacred-soul
Summary: Astronomy has been cancelled. The Hogwarts sixth years (all of them--maybe fifth years later) are sitting in Muggle Studies instead, where they are filling out.....the registration to a Monty Python game (slightly modified). Hilarity ensues. Minor cursing
1. Hermione's form

Summary: Astronomy class has been cancelled. The Hogwarts students (all of them) are instead in Muggle Studies, where they are filling out…dun dun dunnnnnnn….a registration form for Monty Python. Hilarity ensues. 

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K.R. and Bloomsbury, Monty Python belongs to 7th Level, etc. etc. etc. This isn't about me, and I'm already bored.

A/N: Okay, this is my first fic on ff.net, but…here goes nothing! R&R!

****

The Utterly Ridiculous Monty Python Registration

Hermione sighed and scratched the back of her leg with her foot. She wished Professor Sinistra was able to take class, but she had been laid low with a vicious attack of pneumonia. So now, Hermione's Astronomy class, as well as the other class, was in Muggle Studies, which was the same as she remembered it.

_So far. The teacher hasn't come in yet._

Be quiet.

Professor Cleese bounced through the door.

"Have I got a job for you today!" he sang.

He held up a sheaf of paper. "I got my friend Graham to send me a—slightly modified—copy of the registration for _Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail CD-ROM_!"

Professor Cleese passed out a packet to each student, along with a green, red, or purple pen. Hermione's happened to be green.

"When I say go…go!"

People bent their heads down over their desks. Hermione just stared at hers.

_I've seen _Monty Python's Flying Circus _once before. I'm not filling out a form from the same company that revels in such foolishness._

Oh, yes, you are.

_You can't make me._

"Miss Granger, are you working over there?" called Professor Cleese. "I expect you to do this before you leave my classroom, or you get a zero for the day!"

_You are the most evil being alive._

No, I am not.

_Find one person who is more evil than you and I'll do this stinking form._

"Oh, by the way," added Professor Cleese to the class at large, "anyone who doesn't do their form will get a month's worth of detention with my friend Professor Snape."

_I'm working!_

~~~

1) What is your name?_Hermione Granger _

2) What is your address?_Fifteen Price Court_

3) What is your hair colour?_Blonde_

4) What is your eye colour?_Green_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Green. I don't have two different colour eyes._

6) What is your quest? _If I have to choose one, I suppose…to seek the Holy Grail._

7) What is your favourite colour? _Blue._

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_African or European?_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_The ancient astronomers thought it looked like a giant swirl of milk._

10) What was the name of the princess?_Guenevere_

11) Who was King Arthur?_A real English king_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_Do it yourself, you lazy turd._

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Three_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Five, you dolt._

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_I've no idea, to be sure, so…with a public education, I'll never have a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill. _

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Oh, I get it—you went to public school too. (A hundred and sixteen years, by the way.)_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_Goats?_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_A rat does. (I suppose. I lost the thread of that.)_

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes, but then again this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully._

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_No_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_No_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit?_Yes appears to be my only choice here._

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_get his skinny little chum-chum wedged painfully between the keys. (What the hell is a chum-chum? It had better be a finger.)_

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_No_

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_Once again, my only choice is Yes._

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Oddballs._

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Yes—whoa, there are people who would answer no?_

29) What colour is it?_Blue. (Obviously not.)_

30) What type is it?_Briefs. (You're not going to keep these, are you, Professor?)_

31) Will you send it to me?_No!!!_

32) Is it edible?_Eurgh!_

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

33) Do you have a modem?_Finally, a normal question! Yes._

34) Is it wearing underwear?_Um…I take that back. No._

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _My only choice is L, but the answer was really "do it yourself, you lazy turd"._

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Received it as an instrument of torture._

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_Yes, I'm ashamed to admit._

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_Life, what life?_

40) Is this question redundant?_No…_

41) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

42) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_Eurgh! I quit!_

You can't.

__

Who's going to stop me?

"Miss Granger, are you asking me to put you in detention with Professor Snape for a month or so?

__

Ah, him. I forgot about him. Okay… My hovercraft is full of eels. Oh, wait, I remember this sketch. Thank God!

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_First we must glean it from the neighbour's porpoise. Remember that sketch, too._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_Wazzle um wakka dakka dum neer._

48) What have I got in my pocket?_A magic ring stolen from another story._

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._Thank God!_

~~~ 

Hermione handed in her form and ran like a jackrabbit. 

__

Thank you. 

Straight into Professor Snape.

__

Look, I filled out the bloody questionnaire! Leave me alone!

Who simply glowered at her and allowed her to continue up to the Gryffindor tower.

__

Good riddance and good night!


	2. Draco's form

Draco stretched lazily as the Muggle Studies teacher passed something out. His father would be upset to know that his son was in Muggle Studies instead of Astronomy, but with Professor Sinistra ill it couldn't be helped. Besides, Draco welcomed a chance to infuriate his father.

_Slow down a minute. What is this packet that has appeared on my desk? Who is the teacher?_

You'd know if you paid attention.

_What can I say? I'm evil._

It's a questionnaire that you will fill out or you will receive—

_No power on Earth could make me do it!_

--a month's worth of detention from Professor Snape.

_Father would kill me. Of course, he'll kill me anyway for dealing with Muggle things…ah, well. It's better to infuriate him by filling out a Muggle form than by suffering under the cruel regime of Snape._

1) What is your name?_Draco Malfoy—MR. Malfoy to you _

2) What is your address?_Beats the hell out of me. We don't get mail by the Muggle postman. We live at the top of a hill—I don't even know if we have an address._

3) What is your hair colour?_Blonde, but naturally red_

4) What is your eye colour?_Pale blue_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Slightly duskier blue, but don't tell Father._

6) What is your quest? _To tweak the Mouldy Tail_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Green_

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_African or European?_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_Edmund Milky's wife had enormous tits._

10) What is the name of the princess? _Zoot_

11) Who was King Arthur?_Graham Chapman in a dress_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_Three minutes_

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Forty-seven_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Don't you get it? I went to public school._

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_ With a public education, I'll never have a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill._

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Oh, I get it, you went to public school too!_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_A gaggle. Hey, this is a lot of fun!_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_No. _

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes_

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_Yes_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_Yes_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit?_Yes_

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_Eat a banana._

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_Yes._

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_Yes!!!_

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Why? I think it's cool!_

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Yes, of course_

29) What colour is it?_Oh, shut up. (It's pink.)_

30) What type is it?_Other, not permissible by law to answer._

31) Will you send it to me?_Yes_

32) Is it edible?_Probably._

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN._Aww, I was just starting to like them!_

33) Do you have a modem?_What's a modem?_

34) Is it wearing underwear?_If I have one, then yes it is._

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _L_

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Received it as a gift, and it's the best gift I've ever been given._

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_No, but I wish I did._

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_Yes, it was delicious._

40) Is this question redundant?_No._

41) Is this question redundant?_Yes._

42) Is this question redundant?_Yes._

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_No._

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_No._

44) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_You have beautiful thighs, honey._

45) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_No, thank you._

46) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_I'm not that kind of girl._

47) What have I got in my pocket?_The Holy Grail_

48) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._I'll have to pester Dad for it. It seems like fun._

~~~

Draco turned in his form and went off to the common room. 

_Hey, wait! What grade did I get on that form?_

You haven't got one yet. It's nearly midnight. Go to bed.


	3. Ron's form

Ron frowned as he stared at the paper before him. He looked around the room. Most people seemed to be arguing with somebody who wasn't really there. He turned back to his paper and picked up his dark purple pen.

__

Why can't I have puce?

Because you don't know what "puce" is. 

__

Oh, okay. Well, I'd better get started.

~~~

1) What is your name?_ Ron Weasley_

2) What is your address?_The Burrows_

3) What is your hair colour?_Red_

4) What is your eye colour?_Blue_

5) What is your other eye colour?_See question four_

6) What is your quest? _To seek the Goldy Mail_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Puce, but I am mistakenly thinking of a primary colour because I don't know what 'puce' is._

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_45,000 mph_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_It was discovered by an astronomer named Edmund Milky._

10) What was the name of the princess?_Zoot_

11) Who was King Arthur?_A real stupid king_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_180 seconds_

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Public Education_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Don't you get it? I attended public school._

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_ With a public school education, I'll never get a job where I can earn a five-dollar bill._

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Oh, I see, you attended public school too!_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_Cardinal Reginald, 17 Princeton Way, Essex_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_Yes_

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes, but then this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully._

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_No_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_No_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? _Yes_

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_Become head of a studio_

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_No. I avoid Australians at all costs. _

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_Yes, that's why I ignore Australians—because of the possibility that they might be named Bruce._

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Muggles!_

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Yes._

29) What colour is it?_Red-and-green plaid._

30) What type is it?_A special kind designed to lift, fold, and separate_

31) Will you send it to me?_Yes (Why not? It sure beats washing it.)_

32) Is it edible?_By now? Probably._

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

33) Do you have a modem?_Is this some Muggle contraption?_

34) Is it wearing underwear?_Do they usually?_

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _L_

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Stole it_

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_No_

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_No_

40) Is this question redundant?_No_

41) Is this question redundant?_No_

42) Is this question redundant?_No_

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_No_

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_What does "redundant" mean anyway? _

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_My hovercraft is full of eels._

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_Yes, please._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_You'll never get any friends young lady unless you clean up your mouth._

48) What have I got in my pocket?_I'm just happy to see you._

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._Poop!_


	4. Harry's form

__

This form is a disgrace to society.

Would you rather fill it out or do detention with Snape?

__

Let me think about it for a minute…

Oh, just fill out the bloody form.

__

Why should I?

Because there are about fifty people looking over your shoulder waiting for you to fill out the bloody thing. Besides, Ron and Hermione have already done it.

__

Oh, fine, have it your way.

~~~

1) What is your name?_ Harry Potter_

2) What is your address?_Number four, Privet Drive_

3) What is your hair colour?_Black_

4) What is your eye colour?_Green_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Same as my mother's _

6) What is your quest? _To seek the Holy Grail_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Red_

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_African or European?_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_Ancient astronomers thought it was a giant swirl of milk._

10) What was the name of the princess?_Guenevere_

11) Who was King Arthur?_A real English king_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_1/20 of an hour._

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Two_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Five_

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_ Erm…Lincoln's?_

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _A hundred years_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_Goats?_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_Yes. Look, I'm actually serious about this here!_

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes_

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_No_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_No_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No, and I really could care less. _

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit?_Yes (but not really)_

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_What kind of question is that? I'm not even going to bother answering._

Fine. See if I care when you spend a month in detention with Professor Sn—

__

Eat a banana. Happy now?

Thank you.

__

Grrr…

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_No_

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_My mother is dead._

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Good!_

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Yes! What kind of question is that?_

29) What colour is it?_White. What does this have to do with anything?_

30) What type is it?_Briefs. So?_

31) Will you send it to me?_Eurgh! You perverted freak! No!_

32) Is it edible?_Okay, what kind of sick imbeciles wrote this questionnaire?_

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN._It had better not!_

33) Do you have a modem?_Not personally, but my cousin does and lets me use it occasionally._

34) Is it wearing underwear?_Eurgh!_

35) What was the answer to question eleven?_Apparently, it was L._

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Received it as an instrument of torture (I'd almost rather do detention with Snape. Almost.)_

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_Yes—well, my cousin does, but I've played it._

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_What, and waste my time?_

40) Is this question redundant?_No_

41) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

42) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?**_Yes!!!!!_**

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_Go away, you weirdo!_

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_No, thank you._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_Certainly not!_

48) What have I got in my pocket?_A magic ring stolen from another story._

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._It's about time!_


	5. Neville's form

__

Should I be worried?

Only if you don't do the form. Most people don't seem to want to, for some reason.

__

I wonder why not?

Dunno. They usually give in when I tell them the consequences of not doing it, though…

__

What's that?

A month's worth of detention with Professor Snape.

__

I'll do my best, but I probably won't know half of it. Okay…here goes…

~~~

1) What is your name?_Neville Longbottom _

2) What is your address?_Erm…I forget._

3) What is your hair colour?_Blonde? No, brown. No, wait, it is blonde. Well, somewhere in between._

4) What is your eye colour?_Is it blue or grey?_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Probably blue, but I haven't looked in a while._

6) What is your quest? _To beak the Roly Poly_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Blue—no, green—no, purple—no, I don't know that!_

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_African or European?_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_One of those choices, at least. (Told you I wouldn't know the answer.)_

10) What was the name of the princess?_Eve?_

11) Who was King Arthur?_John Cleese in a bathrobe?_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_Three minutes. Finally, something easy!_

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_One?_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Don't you get it? I attended public school. (I guess that's an excuse for not knowing the answer off-hand.)_

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_What's a dollar bill? _

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Oh, easy. A hundred years. It practically gave me the answer!_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_Goats?_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_I suppose a rat does._

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes?_

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_No_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_No_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit?_I don't even know what Sweden is._

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_Write a novel._

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_No_

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?*_a large teardrop smudged the answer to this question, making it illegible*_

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Good, 'cause I was kind of getting lost._

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Gran would kill me if I wasn't._

29) What colour is it?_Blue._

30) What type is it?_Boxers_

31) Will you send it to me?_I—I'd have to ask Gran…_

32) Is it edible?_Wh-what?_

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN._Oh, okay._

33) Do you have a modem?_Look at everyone writing away. I must be the only one who doesn't know what a modem is._

34) Is it wearing underwear?_If I have one? Probably._

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _L_

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995—I think._

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Friend_

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_No_

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_———_

40) Is this question redundant?_No_

41) Is this question redundant?_Yes. See, I'm smart! I know what redundant means!_

42) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying? _Yes_

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_What the heck is that supposed to mean?_

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_No, thank you. I'm not supposed to accept things from strangers. And you are most definitely strange._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_Who's Joe?_

48) What have I got in my pocket?_A handkerchief_

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._I'm not an idiot after all!_


	6. Seamus's form

Okay, Seamus, can you do this for me? Everybody else has been giving me some form of lip. 

__

What do you need me to do?

I just want you to fill out this form.

__

I'll give it my absolute best shot, but what company is it from?

It's the registration form for Monty Python and the—

__

I'm all over it! 

~~~

1) What is your name?_ Seamus Finnigan_

2) What is your address?_156 Falls Road, Belfast_

3) What is your hair colour?_Blond_

4) What is your eye colour?_Blue_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Brown_

6) What is your quest? _To tweak the Mouldy Tail_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Green—the colour of freedom_

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_Fifteen feet_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_It expires next Tuesday._

10) What was the name of the princess?_Elizabeth_

11) Who was King Arthur?_Graham Chapman in a dress L_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_180 seconds_

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Forty-seven_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Ten_

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_ Kennedy_

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Three weeks_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_Seven_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_A rat does._

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes_

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_Yes_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_Yes_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit? _Yes_

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_Get his skinny little chum-chum wedged painfully between the keys. I'm really enjoying this!_

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_No_

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_Yes!!!_

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE.

28) Are you wearing underwear?_No_

29) What colour is it?_N/A_

30) What type is it?_N/A_

31) Will you send it to me?_I'll send you a pair I have in my trunk._

32) Is it edible?_Yup. It's made of spun sugar._

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN._Aww…_

33) Do you have a modem?_Dad does._

34) Is it wearing underwear?_Wire underwear, but underwear nonetheless._

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _L_

36) What is today?_March 12, 1995_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Bought it_

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_Yeah, Dad got it for me as a present last year._

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_Yes, it was delicious._

40) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

41) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

42) Is this question redundant?_Yes_

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_Yes_

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_I am from another planet._

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_First we must glean it from the neighbour's porpoise._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_I'm not that kind of girl._

48) What have I got in my pocket?_I'm just happy to see you._

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._Hey, I'm going to ask if I can switch from Arithmancy to Muggle Studies. This is fun!_


	7. Dean's form

Okay, Dean—

__

Sergeant Pepper to you.

Okay, okay, _Sergeant Pepper_, just—just fill out the form, okay?

__

Is Seamus doing it too?

Yup.

__

What about Padma?

She will eventually, yes.

__

Okay, no problem.

~~~

1) What is your name?_ Dean Thomas, Sergeant Pepper to you._

2) What is your address?_A cardboard box behind the convenience store at 34th and Main._

3) What is your hair colour?_Black_

4) What is your eye colour?_Black_

5) What is your other eye colour?_Black_

6) What is your quest? _To seek the Holy Grail_

7) What is your favourite colour? _Black_

8) What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?_Nine meters/second/second_

9) Why is the galaxy called the Milky Way?_It expires next Tuesday._

10) What was the name of the princess?_Zoot_

11) Who was King Arthur?_A real stupid king_

12) How long do you cook a three-minute egg?_Do it yourself, you lazy turd._

13) How many fingers am I holding up?_Three_

14) What is the square root of twenty-five?_Public education_

15) Whose face is on the five-dollar bill?_ Nixon's _

16) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? _Last Thursday_

17) How many goats have stood for parliament?_A gaggle_

18) If line A intersects line B in such a way as to form angle C through circle D, and the radius of circle D is E which intersects angle C in such a way as to form angle F, then nobody really gives a rat's arse, do they?_No_

19) Is this a trick question?_Yes, but then this might be a trick answer, so choose carefully._

20) Have you ever seen a moose in Sweden?_Yes_

21) Have you ever been to Sweden?_No_

22) Do you know why God created Sweden?_No_

23) Do you thing that the creation of Sweden is directly related to Eve's eating the forbidden fruit?_Yes!!!_

24) If a hundred monkeys were shut up in a room with a hundred typewriters, one of them would eventually…_Become head of the studio. I'm starting to enjoy this._

25) Have you ever met an Australian named Bruce?_Yes, actually. I met five of them in a bar one night._

26) Didn't your mother ever warn you about hanging about with Australians named Bruce?_Yes, but I really don't give a crap what my mother thinks._

27) If five Australians, named Bruce of course, went into a bar—_They would meet a boy named Dean Thomas—Sergeant Pepper to you—and commit mass suicide by jumping off the Tallahassee Bridge._

THE ADMINISTRATION WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE LAST FEW QUESTIONS. WE UNDERSTAND THAT ALL AUSTRALIANS ARE NOT NAMED BRUCE. THE WRITERS RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE QUESTIONS HAS BEEN SACKED AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. WE APOLOGISE TO ANY AUSTRALIANS WE MAY HAVE OFFENDED, NAMED BRUCE OR OTHERWISE._Oh, you weren't serious._

28) Are you wearing underwear?_Yeah, but only under duress. If I had my way, I wouldn't be wearing underwear—or anything else, for that matter. And I'd be in bed with Padma Patil. Mmmm…Padma…_

29) What colour is it?_What, Padma? Oh, my underwear…white._

30) What type is it?_Thong_

31) Will you send it to me?_Sure, once I'm in bed with Padma._

32) Is it edible?_I wouldn't._

THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGISE ONCE AGAIN. THE WRITERS WHO REPLACED THE WRITERS WHO WERE SACKED HAVE ALSO BEEN SACKED, AND REPLACED WITH NEW WRITERS. HOPEFULLY THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN._Why?_

33) Do you have a modem?_Wait-a-minute, did I actually write all that stuff about being in bed with Padma? Oh, God!_

That's not an answer to the question. Honestly, I was beginning to hope you'd be different than the rest…

_Of course I have a modem! Who doesn't?_

34) Is it wearing underwear?_Probably. Mum has a really odd sense of humour._

35) What was the answer to question eleven? _L_

36) What is today?_You mean there's a date for today?_

37) Where did you get this questionnaire?_Family member_

38) Do you own Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time?_Yes! That game RULES!!!_

39) If you answered yes to question 38, did you finish it?_Life, what life?_

40) Is this question redundant?_Nope_

41) Is this question redundant?_Not yet_

42) Is this question redundant?_No, but you're pretty close._

43) Do you find redundant questions annoying?_No._

44) Do you still find redundant questions annoying?_Of course not! If the question is redundant, you know what to answer for it!_

45) Which of the following would convince you to come over to my place bouncy-bouncy?_You have beautiful thighs, baby._

46) Swiss cheese wazzle, my dear?_Wazzle um wakka dakka de neer._

47) Hey Joe, hey big sailor boy, you wanna come over to my place?_I like you as a friend._

48) What have I got in my pocket?_A magic ring stolen from another story._

49) Congratulations! You have finished the long, ridiculous, and utterly pointless registration, which means you must have a lot of time on your hands, which means you must be bored, all of which means if you don't have Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time, you probably should._You're probably right._


End file.
